Archive | June, 2014

No plan can be a good plan, Being un-lost, or Open Hearts open hearts.

3 Jun

 

June 1, 2014

Foo Fighters—Watershed, Deftones—Be Quiet and Drive, The White Stripes—Icky Thump, Michael Franti & Spearhead—One Step Closer to You, The Roots Diedre vs Dice, Deftones—Knife Party, The Roots—You Ain’t Fly, The Beastie Boys—Funky Donkey, The Freddy Jones Band—California, Red Hot Chili Peppers—One Hot Minute, Zero 7—In the Waiting Line, Justin Timberlake—Spaceship Coupe, Foo Fighters—Everlong, Soundgarden—The Day I Tried to Live, Incubus—Quicksand, Rush—Freewill, Dave Matthews Band—Ants Marching, The Beastie Boys—Long Burn the Fire, Smashing Pumpkins—Daydream, Marvin Gaye—I’ll be Doggone, Rage Against the Machine—Down Rodeo, Cody ChestnuTT—Magic in a Mortal Minute, Marvin Gaye—Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology Song), Foo Fighters—For All the Cows. Killswitch Engage—For You, Dr. Dre—Forgot About Dre, Tool—46 & 2, Mos Def (as Black Jack Johnson)—Freak Daddy, Rage Against the Machine–Freedom

The Sunset on my first night in Thailand. Also, a great image, thematically. Enjoy the read...please...I hope.

The Sunset on my first night in Thailand. Also, a great image, thematically. Enjoy the read…please…I hope.

Ya know? This blogging thing is kinda hard. So many decisions go into the writing process. I am going to write about my Spring Break for this blog. It was intensely personal, very emotional, and the first time I have ever…gone anywhere…completely…new…and completely…alone. (Physically, I have just paused to catch my breath.)

Even now as my brain sends detailed, and remarkably almost involuntary instructions on which fingers to press which keys, my ego, which I create and recreate everyday and allow to exist, is making me cautious, and making me second guess this choice. I told myself I’d let it out, that I’d release my experience to the world without judgment. I’m trying to see the world as my daughters did when they were so little.

Koh Samui Airport. Mostly outdoor hallways and beautifully integrated into the natural beauty of Thailand's Islands.

Koh Samui Airport. Mostly outdoor hallways and beautifully integrated into the natural beauty of Thailand’s Islands.

I remember their gorgeous almond-shaped eyes, so big and milk chocolate brown, soaking it all in, seeing everything for the first time, or seeing things over and over again and still finding wonder in them. I want that. I want that…back. I want the “yawp” Whitman encourages us to release, the intensity that William Blake said we must feel…to feel…and what did Wordsworth talk about…the spontaneous overflow of feelings? We MUST make time for that. It is not optional! I remember living on the floor with them so I could try to adopt their perspective just to get a glimpse of that wonder. They taught me so much…and still do. (Man, I miss them…words…failing…love)

A latte in the Dhabi airport. I didn't ask for the art...love happens...everywhere.

A latte in The Dhabi airport. I didn’t ask for the art…love happens…everywhere.

Second course in The Dhabi airport...What!? A man needs breakfast!

Second course in The Dhabi airport…What!? A man needs breakfast!

Well, I’ve been through so much change the last two years, I can honestly say, I’ve opened my eyes again, as if for the first time. I haven’t forgotten the days gone by, and I am grateful for the lessons, but I am seeing the new ones without pretense, with curiosity and wonder and possibility, and I am glad to know I have no idea what the future holds.

This guy claims to know what the future holds. Hey!? Is that Frank Pantengeli? Godfather 2?

This guy claims to know what the future holds. Hey!? Is that Frank Pantengeli? Godfather 2?

I was encouraged by many to take a trip on my own. All said it is a unique and growing experience. All were correct. I highly suggest it.

This is a hotel ad in the in flight magazine. Ummm, I think the Universe is speaking to me.

This is a hotel ad in the in flight magazine. Ummm, I think the Universe is speaking to me.

So, I’ve never been to Thailand and the price was SO right, I couldn’t turn it down. Heck, I’ve spent more money in 4 days in Chicago than I did flying, staying, and eating in 9 days in Thailand.

My hotel on Koh PhangAn.

My hotel on Koh PhangAn.

My hotel on Koh Samui. The Punpreeda Hip Resort...fun to say. Try it!

My hotel on Koh Samui. The Punpreeda Hip Resort…fun to say. Try it!

Waterfront, table in the sand, tempura, pad thai, coconut chicken, and a beer...about $7.

Waterfront, table in the sand, tempura, pad thai, coconut chicken, and a beer…about $7.

Pad Thai in a Thai fishing village.

Pad Thai in a Thai fishing village.

Fresh rolled Sushi at an outdoor market...about $5 for that plate...my 1st of 3..or 4...or...

Fresh rolled Sushi at an outdoor market…about $5 for that plate…my 1st of 3..or 4…or…

So I’m there. I’m alone. No schedule, no plans, very little information…just me, the committee in my head, the neighborhood that is my brain, a couple books, and of course, 1000 songs to fill the space. Tell me why I was so anxious? Why do I immediately get a map and start planning? Planning for what? What do I NEED to see? Why do I have to maximize…well, anything? I’m on vacation, I’m alone, and I have 9 days to do…nothing. Sounds ideal, right?

This should have been the only thought in my head. View of infinity pool (with integrated bar and bartender named "Lee", yes! Hmmm?) and beach at The Coast Beach Resort.

This should have been the only thought in my head. View of infinity pool (with integrated bar and bartender named “Lee”, yes! Hmmm?) and beach at The Coast Beach Resort.

Well, it wasn’t easy, at first. That’s not a complaint. That’s my shortcoming. I am not accustomed to not having a plan. On my flight from The Dhabi to Bangkok, I was relaxed and ready to chill until I realized that I only had 45 minutes to make my connecting flight and we left 90 minutes late. Luckily, a few others with the same flight (and a louder customer voice) demanded they make the connecting flight wait. They did. However, we had to run to the gate. In fact, the airline employees throw a sticker on your chest, then tell you to run. So, you do the polite hurry-up walk, and they chase after you, “No Misterrrr, run, run!”

Cities of clouds holding the dreams of skyward gazers everywhere.

Cities of clouds holding the dreams of skyward gazers everywhere.

Taking the advice of others, I had no transportation plans, no overnight stay plans, and no realization that Expedia doesn’t care if the flight you booked won’t get you on the ferry to your destination island until the next day. No worries, though. There were plenty others in the same boat…or not in the same boat? Either way. Apparently, there’s a whole segment of society who really does just throw stuff in a backpack and goes somewhere. I wish I was that cool. I’m not sure the shaved, short-haired, 40-something guy with the roller case (carry-on, mind you), and book bag size back pack fit in with these seemingly happy go-lucky travelers, but the conversations were lively and all were friendly.

Ummm, no one told me the Ferry was clothing optional!

Ummm, no one told me the Ferry was clothing optional!

After a misunderstanding due to pronunciation issues (on both parts), I learned I had about half the day on Koh Samui before the next ferry. I had to fight the itch in my brain that just wanted to force a solution and get to my hotel on Koh PhangAn to settle in? For what? Why did I need to hurry up to slow down? What is it that makes me anxious about something I can do nothing about? There’s one ferry, Lee. Wait for it, and enjoy the time you have…enjoy every minute.

Ferry dock...no Ferry. No Worries...eventually.

Ferry dock…no Ferry. No Worries…eventually.

Isn’t this so true? We say it all the time. “You only have today…live life every minute…every day is a gift, enjoy it…etc.” What did that Lennon guy say? “Life is what happens when your busy making other plans”?

After missing the Ferry, life dealt me this. I'll take it. However, the muzak version of "Dancing on the Ceiling" was a bit unsettling...headphones, take me away!

After missing the Ferry, life dealt me this. I’ll take it. However, the muzak version of “Dancing on the Ceiling” was a bit unsettling…headphones, take me away!

So, I was forced to slow down. I needed to. The pace of my work life hasn’t been that hectic, lately, but the pace of my emotional life has been. You know who’s responsible for that stress? I am. There are many things up in the air for me right now. Most of them I can’t solve in a day. In fact, I can only participate in their resolve, I am not the architect of those solutions.

The view from The View Hotel. Owned by my new friend, Lee. Seriously, that's his name. A former attorney from Tel Aviv, who left to follow his dream. If you have too many beers at the bar, the steps are an insane test. No rails and super steep. He told me I don't look like a Principal. I love when people say that.

The view from The View Hotel. Owned by my new friend, Lee. Seriously, that’s his name. A former attorney from Tel Aviv, who left to follow his dream. If you have too many beers at the bar, the steps are an insane test. No rails and super steep. He told me I don’t look like a Principal. I love when people say that.

Human relationships are complicated. Many of us take our experience and perspectives and believe them to be the same as others. We don’t take into consideration the definitions, the interpretations, the filters, the histories, the current events, that shape our present day attention. At the same time, we can’t wait to speak until we learn all of that. The only thing we can do, is speak from our single perspective, be straightforward about what we want or need, and wait for the reaction. You took action. That’s your step. The reaction, that’s theirs (while at the same time being their action, as well.) Then, you respect that response and how you interact begins to take shape. Honestly, I can’t decide if it’s simple or complicated. I believe the ego makes it complicated. Speak from the heart and not the “I want more” and relationships will be simplified…right?

Peaceful, huh?

Peaceful, huh?

So, it took me two days to shake the “I should be doing something” anxiety. I noticed that the people staying at the hotel were content to sit at the pool, walk to the beach, back to the pool, and repeat all day. Some never leaving the hotel. I liked that…no rush to see this or that, just relax. Again, it took me 2 days to figure that out! I rented a scooter to see the island. A great experience! Ya know, driving on the left side of the road is easy, until you’re turning right into oncoming traffic.

MissTery, but I'm not sure if that's her name...get it? She is SO sweet! She rented me a scooter, sold me gas, and did my laundry...and a HUGE hug at the end of my trip. Not sure why, but I needed it, and she saw that. Open hearts open hearts.

MissTery, but I’m not sure if that’s her name…get it? She is SO sweet! She rented the scooter, sold the gas, and did my laundry…and a HUGE hug at the end of my trip. Not sure why, but I needed it, and she saw that. Open hearts open hearts.

Yes, that's a liquor bottle...and about a dollar's worth of gas. The scooter totaled about $60 for 8 days, including fuel. Most people have a "fuel" stand outside their homes. They run up to help you and won't take tips...so you sneak it in between the bottles.

Yes, that’s a liquor bottle…and about a dollar’s worth of gas. The scooter totaled about $60 for 8 days, including fuel. Most people have a “fuel” stand outside their homes. They run up to help you and won’t take tips…so you sneak it in between the bottles.

MissTery did my laundry for about $3, and folded it tighter than I ever could, and if you know me, I pride myself on folding.

MissTery did my laundry for about $3, and folded it tighter than I ever could, and if you know me, I pride myself on folding.

Koh PhangAn is not very large so the streets have no names (Ok, go ahead, sing the song), which differs from the Dhabi, where streets have 3 names, but no numbers. One can’t really get lost for too long. You can see the coast from the mountain roads and the mountain roads from the coast.

Top o the world, Ma!

Top o the world, Ma!

A random stopping point at the top...deep breath! Yeah...goooooood!

A random stopping point at the top…deep breath! Yeah…goooooood!

There was a time when getting lost seemed like a ridiculous and inconvenient idea. I would grind my teeth, tighten my jaw, snort and huff, and curse myself for being sooooo stupid!…and never once did any of that help. When I got to the Dhabi, I had a few weeks before work started. I kept hearing, “It’s an island, you can’t get lost…” I didn’t understand. I do now. In fact, I spent many hours walking around being geographically lost, but being exactly where I needed to be…not lost at all.

Yes, I'm on the right side of the road...which is the left. Views everywhere.

Yes, I’m on the right side of the road…which is the left. Views everywhere.

As I look back two years or so, I was SO bent on knowing EXACTLY where I was that I could never get lost. The irony, of course, for this slow learner, is I was lost. I lost myself. So much so that I didn’t even know it. I let my ego distract me. There is no freedom in disallowing yourself to get lost. If you always know exactly where you are and are familiar with everything around you, how will you grow? Sure, you can manufacture growth opportunities (reading, meditating, sudoku, Lumosity), but those are challenges you brought on. When was the last time you walked into a place and you knew no one, or truly didn’t know what to do, or didn’t speak the language, or…all of the above. There’s your growth moment. I’m not saying that’s the only way, but it is effective for those of us who prefer(-red) to control our environments.

Any bored linemen out there? Good Luck. The hair on your neck stands up if you stop near these.

Any bored linemen out there? Good Luck. The hair on your neck stands up if you stop near these.

Ummm, why can't I hear the waterfall?...oh, spelling optional...again.

Ummm, why can’t I hear the waterfall?…oh, spelling optional…again.

When that revelation came to me, after the third waterfall I couldn’t find…–“Ummm, sir, no water in waterfall…no rain, no water…”–I decided, I’d get lost everyday. The first two days on the scooter, I’m saying to myself… “Oh, I’ll come back to that…or, I’ll get a picture tomorrow…or, remember where that is…” For what? If it catches your eye today. Go look at it! Stop and smell the roses, right? Don’t plan to come back and have the same experience! It won’t be the same….which brings me to the monastery and the temple…seriously, as I typed that, as my consciousness became aware of what my subconscious was about to reveal, my heart got heavy, thick, my skin warm…I changed…again.

The 3 Characteristics and 10 ethical promises of the Bodhisattva way.

The 3 Characteristics and 10 ethical promises of the Bodhisattva way.

Ok, people! Time out! This is not going well for me. You probably didn’t notice, but I did. I have to get this off my chest. I felt guilty about going on vacation alone so I manufactured a reason to go. “I’ll go find myself. Think things out. Find the happier Lee…of course, this trip must have a purpose, right?” That’s me. I play roles. Within those roles, each of those Lees looks for validation from outside sources…family, colleagues, even complete strangers. What a bizarre concept! We define ourselves secretly, behave a certain way and expect to get a reward for that behavior from the universe…at least I do…er, I did. I am not two people. I am me. Here I am two months later finally coming to terms and accepting that vacation for exactly what it was. Me being me…which is probably why the monastery hit me so hard…look at these.

Greeting Visitors

Greeting Visitors

The Prayer Room. I spent 15-20 minutes in there, completely silent and completely present with a monk and a devotee. SO powerful! I felt like I was being held. I didn't want to leave.

The Prayer Room. I spent 15-20 minutes in there, completely silent and completely present with a monk and a devotee. SO powerful! I felt like I was being held. I didn’t want to leave.

Gorgeous!

Gorgeous!

From a nearby Chinese temple which the monk from the monastery encouraged me to visit. She is at THE VERY TOP. Her view is...perfect.

From a nearby Chinese temple which the monk from the monastery encouraged me to visit. She is at THE VERY TOP. Her view is…perfect.

Guardians of the Shrine. Sir Shred-a-Lot and Mr. Tambourine...man.

Guardians of the Shrine. Sir Shred-a-Lot and Mr. Tambourine…man.

A prayer room with relief sculptures on the wall.

A prayer room with relief sculptures on the wall.

Something that touched me as I rode the coast.

Something that touched me as I rode the coast.

On a cycle the frame is gone. You’re completely in contact with it all. You’re in the scene, not just watching it anymore, and the sense of presence is overwhelming.” 
― Robert M. PirsigZen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values

Ok, ok, it was a scooter, but you get the idea. I do remember bouts of natural thought. Those times when I wasn’t yelling at myself about not thinking enough about my life situations. Moments when I let myself relax, enjoy the present, shut off all filters, and just feel. The most memorable was when I left the monastery for the first time. About 10 minutes up and down and around the winding mountain roads, I just started weeping. I guess I needed to purge. It’s an interesting thing to cry as a man. In company, it is unsettling for those watching. As if it shouldn’t happen. When alone, however, I found it …umm…hmmm…I found it to be…real. Even as I type this, I am re-visiting the moment. The warm wind, the beautiful rich green rolling mountains, the buzz of the scooter, my skin browning in the sun, the Peace I just experienced (and continued to feel) during my impromptu meditation with the monk and a follower…and there I was. Me, alone, ok. Not sad or happy, just alive, feeling fulfilled, tears rolling down my face, accepting it all, no explanation, no justification…a human Being, rather than a human Doing. It felt like a spiritual bath…actually, it was.

You know what? I think that’s enough for now. How about some pictures?

THE hottest soccer field in the world!

THE hottest soccer field in the world!

Squid drying in the sun outside of Choklakum, a fishing village...which you smell long before you get there. Each "tray" has about 100, and there are a 100 trays, at least...smell that!

Squid drying in the sun outside of Choklakum, a fishing village…which you smell long before you get there. Each “tray” has about 100, and there are a 100 trays, at least…smell that!

So!? Some of you have your dog tied up outside!

So!? Some of you have your dog tied up outside!

Steve the Cow. "What!? Move along tourist! Eat more chicken!"

Steve the Cow. “What!? Move along tourist! Eat more chicken!”

These French guys have a good thing going...

These French guys have a good thing going…

Probably not Snoop's boat.

Probably not Snoop’s boat.

Hard to see, but there's an orangutan on the cab of the truck. He catches the coconuts and throws them into the bed of the truck...and, he stares at me until I get scared and leave.

Hard to see, but there’s an orangutan on the cab of the truck. He catches the coconuts and throws them into the bed of the truck…and, he stares at me until I get scared and leave.

Barbecued monk---well, you figure it out.

Barbecued monk—well, you figure it out.

A school. Love seeing schools in other countries. Most are guarded by high walls and fences...think about that.

A school. Love seeing schools in other countries. Most are guarded by high walls and fences…think about that.

Persistence.

Persistence.

Real. Fresh Bananas. Cooked every way possible. SO good! About 2 pounds worth for $1.50.

Real. Fresh Bananas. Cooked every way possible. SO good! About 2 pounds worth for $1.50.

Don't talk.

Don’t talk.

So, what have I learned? SOOOO much! For today, I will be aware of the roles I’m assuming and why I am assuming them. Then, stop it and act from me. I want everything I do to become spiritual practice. What does that mean? I LOVE being a Principal. Now, more-so that I do it without requiring validation. Sure, recognition is nice, but it isn’t necessary, whereas I think I craved it in the past. Now, I just “Be” as a Principal and the life of it is much easier. Sure, I get frustrated. I’m learning to check that and if I see fault in what others do or don’t do, then I look at myself first. What is my part in it? How can I help? The next step…do that in every role…especially as a parent. We internalize so much of what our children are and run the risk of not allowing them to be them. They deserve space, mistakes, conflict, everything that is part of a normal well-rounded human being.

I love you my precious, beautiful daughters. I love you so much. Everyday!

Me. Moving forward. Everyday. Thank you for your love and support!

Me. Moving forward. Everyday. Thank you for your love and support!

Thank you, everyone. So freakin’ much!

Peace and Love,

Lee

(Touch your hand to your heart for me, please.)

 

 

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